slept till two after my shift and woke up with the blanket kicked off because my feet were still hot. i can walk around the ward for twelve hours without really noticing them, then getting down the apartment stairs to fetch the mail feels like a whole separate job. tried my older sneakers today in case the new ones are the problem, but honestly i think its the standing. my boyfriend wanted to walk to dinner and i said yes before remembering the walk back. we went slowly and that was actually okay, except i kept looking for somewhere to sit while pretending to read the menu outside.

a mom on the ward thanked everybody this morning except me, which is such a stupid thing to be bothered about when her kid finally gets to go home. i had spent half the night helping her get comfortable enough to sleep, and i guess i wanted her to remember that. i was nice when they left, i really was, but then another nurse asked if i was okay and i nearly cried over absolutely nothing. or not nothing, i dont know. my boyfriend made dinner before i got home and i felt so grateful i didn't even want to talk about the hospital. i just wanted to eat while somebody else got the plates.

i keep doing the numbers for switching back to days, usually when i should be asleep. the extra night pay covers enough of the rent that it isn't a small decision, but i also keep counting the evenings my boyfriend and i are technically home together while i'm unconscious. wrote down what we actually spent last month instead of estimating, then got distracted wondering how to ask my manager without sounding like i regret the whole arrangement. she hasn't even been difficult about it, this is a conversation i've invented. i need the budget first. otherwise i'll ask two people and just take whichever answer costs them less trouble.